A missing South Korean stem cell researcher working in the U.S., part of Hwang Woo-suk’s research team, has apparently gone missing, prompting fears of, “a possible leak of stem cell technology,” most likely meaning that the researcher may give information to foreign (e.g., U.S.) governments.

However, it has come to the attention of DPRK Studies sources, placed deep within North Korea, that the missing researcher has been collaborating with North Korean scientists for years, and may have defected to the North to complete a major project related to the succession of Kim Jong-il.

Theses sources have uncovered evidence – photos and documents – that lay out Kim Jong-il’s plan to rule North Korea eternally via clones of himself. While the world has been focused on North Korea’s nuclear programs and human rights record, Kim Jong-il concentrated his energies on putting together an advanced engineering team — likely with the full support and assistance of the Kim Dae-jung and Noh Moo-hyun administrations in South Korea, who gave advanced technical assistance under the “Sunshine Policy” — with the sole purpose of making perfectly cloned genetic copies of Kim.

Kim Jong-il and military judges watch genetically indistinguishable Kim Jong-il clones warm-up at a stadium in Pyongyang before a Survivor-like competition to determine who will be the first to rule.

The project has apparently been underway for some time, as evidenced by the relative sophistication and success of the program to date. Part of a draft document pilfered from the KCNA news room reveals more of the plan:

“The North Korean people never need again fear who will lead them in the Communist Paradise that is North Korea, and who will carry the glorious torch of hope that is Kim Il-sung’s, the Great Leader and Eternal President of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, genuine original philosophy, Juch’e. Our Dear Leader, Marshall Kim Jong-il, will now be known as our Gloriously Magnificent Eternal Leader, Generalissimo Supreme of the Korean People’s Army, and one day the worlds Eternal Light, the Morning Star of Civilization. Our scientists [pictured below] report that they were driven day and night by the burning desire to ensure that all future generations of Koreans and humankind will be protected by Kim Jong-il for all eternity forever.”

Multiple clones (see photo above) have already been produced using accelerated growth techniques, and preparations are being made for large scale production into the future. The clones have reportedly begun a competition styled after the American Survivor reality series to select the absolute top candidate to be the first to succeed Kim, probably sometime after 2010. The highest scoring runners up will be groomed as living replacements, and perhaps occasionally used as substitutes for public functions, while the lowest scorers will be cryogeniclly frozen and used for the periodic liver transplants that are required due to overindulgence in $600 bottles of Hennesy cognac. Kim’s sons - Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-chul, and Kim Jong-un - will reportedly be required to continue to address the clones as “father.”

North Korean scientists work feverishly to manufacture the perfect clone of what they consider to be the perfect leader, Kim Jong-il. They may also be attempting to clone dinosaurs in order to open a pre-historic theme park and draw in badly needed hard currency for the impoverished country.

Kim Jong-il and all his clones will continue to be well guarded and cared for by the specially trained top-notch Korean People’s Army (KPA) unit charged with that special task.

*Just in case it wasn’t obvious enough, this is pure parody.